My evolving relationship with commitment

I have been at my current job over three years.

That is the longest job I’ve ever had.

I’ve also lived in my apartment more than three years. As an adult, this is the longest home I’ve ever lived in.

I’m also married. The longest relationship I’ve ever had.

You could say I have a history of fearing commitment.

My Twenties

My twenties were a decade of exploration. I was learning the ins and outs of being an adult, of having responsibilities, of being on my own. Of empowerment and independence. I was learning to trust my inner guidance system and make my own decisions.

So although I may have been a bit commitment phobic, I also refused to settle. If a job, or living situation or relationship wasn’t working, I moved on. I’ve never regretted changing jobs, moving apartments, dating different people. Because I was always following my intuition and listening to my desires. And it led me to where I am today.

Now into My Thirties…

My thirties have been my foray into deep commitment. I continue to follow my intuition and inner guidance, but I have also embraced stability and consistency. I’ve learned there is power in that as well.

I used to think even having a boyfriend would hold me back from following my dreams and true desires. I intensely value freedom, and I was so scared of losing my independence.

Since then, I've learned that you can share life with someone and still hold onto your authenticity and individuality.

I also love to travel, and to discover new experiences and places. So I’ve resisted the idea of settling down somewhere and building a home in one location. But my outlook has since changed.

I’ve learned that you can build roots, while also continuing to fly.

And now, I am about to enter the greatest commitment of all.

Motherhood.

As we await the arrival of our daughter any day now, I am excited. But I am also really nervous. I am still nervous of losing my independence, of losing the freedom that I value so much. I’m nervous about how this new little person will change our life.

But then I look at it differently. What if this is just the beginning of my life? The beginning of my new life. A birth, not only of our precious child, but also my own rebirth. My rebirth as a mother.

I have been so focused on what is about to change, on the independence I am supposedly giving up.

Instead of recognizing all that I am gaining.

I am beginning to view parenthood as an expansion, as adding to my life and existence, of growth.

Yes, this is a huge life change and a major life commitment. One that will push me out of my comfort zone, require that I adapt and let go, and focus my priorities. It will also open my heart in ways I’ve never experienced before.

Isn’t that what life’s about?

I will always crave adventure. And value freedom and independence. I hope I always refuse to settle. That will always be a part of me.

But just as I learned that sharing your life with your partner only adds to your world, so will motherhood. It is the ultimate voyage.

And really, what could be more adventurous than the journey of parenthood and bringing a new life into the world?

Let the journey begin.